"Creep"-..A movie Review by Damien

Hello again! If you’re reading this I guess you didn’t eat any of that food I sent over. Well played mortal, well played. This week I once again bring forth a review of that which I have braved, a movie found in the streaming netherworld. And it is the aptly titled and poorly marketed “Creep”. If you were looking for insight into the TLC song "Creep" please stick around. You deserve disappointment. 

I'm Patrick and I love TED talks. Probably

Creep is the first feature length film from indie film maker Patrick Brice and it is a “found footage” film. If my previous sentence seems familiar that is because it is often used, successfully, as an affirmative defense in murder trials. But…while we support the murder of anyone who uses the word “indie” Mr. Brice is doing some things right. Actually, this film is remarkable and leaves a lasting impression. 

For a “found footage” movie this is somewhat plausible, since it revolves around one character hiring another character to film him for a day. So it’s a believable premise. It is also an incredibly dull one.  Where the movie draws it strength is from its undercurrent of dark humor and off-putting situations. Or perhaps it draws its strength from our yellow sun. Hard to tell. 

"Creep" features a character that I  know all too well. The off-putting male with a desperate need for attention who seems to be a completely full of shit but has a little bit of money and is in love with himself. But I know a lot of lawyers (cause I'm the devil) so maybe I'm over exposed to these types. This character is played rather brilliantly by comedic actor Mark Duplass, which is the name the operator will think she hears when Michael Douglass call 911 after having a stroke. 

Duplass is not the person you would imagine taking on this role, especially since the film uses this image to advertise the movie:

We're an indie movie with a well known actor. Who we're going to hide in all are marketing.
Wanna go to Burning Man?

"Dark Was The Night" review (First Horror Movie Made that was written by Yoda)

Hello again Mortals. And hi Mom, thanks for reading! This week I have subjected myself to the streaming movie “Dark Was the Night” (aka “PretentiousWas the Title”). This is pretty much a direct to video creature feature. Which, of course, makes me think of my lovely mother once more.

This movie was directed by Jack Heller, who appears to have an awesome life. He is producing the soon to be released “Bone Tomahawk” horror-western staring Kurt Russel, he has directed some Miley Cyrus videos, and he does not appear to like being tied to a chair while I throw my toenail clippings at him- sour puss!

 Call me "Keamy". 

This was his second feature film and it was a good one. He clearly has a presence in the business, as he is able to capture some fairly well-known actors for a low budget film. The lead is played by Martin Keamy Kevin Durand. Durand is somehow the protagonist, which makes little sense, since one look into his cold dark eyes tells you that you are looking at a killer who feels nothing. 

In related news, Durand played a mercenary on Lost a little too well and whenever I see him in anything else, I can only see that psychopath Keamy. And I love it. 

However, since this roles does call upon him to kill SOMETHING, I can buy him as the lead. There is a subplot about his wife and him being separated and one of their sons having died. Probably because Keamy killed him. That’s what Keamy does, he kills your children. It’s a standard horror sub-plot that exists only to make you feel a little more dread. It would be nice if one of these films had a subplot about a character auditioning for a local production of Grease or something.

The other major role is played by Lukas Haas, the kid from Witness.

There's....something on the wing!

Is there anything more terrifying than hurtling through the air at unnaturally high speeds, while encased in a claustrophobia-inducing, metal sky-coffin that's full of strangers and their disgusting germs? If your palms started sweating just reading that, well then, read on, my brothers and sisters in aerophobia! Here are the top 5 movies you should NOT watch right before you fly to that family family reunion in the tiniest commercial jet you've ever seen...

"Area 51" Review By Damien

Hello loyal subjects, it is I, Damien, here to advise, control, and direct. Via movie reviews. I watch the movies so you don’t have to. And this week I watched “Area 51”, which is four bucks on Amazon strewing, and also available for free on Netflix.

And it’s overpriced.

Area 51 was written and directed by Oren Peli. If you google “Oren Peli”

I'm Oren (duh)

you will instantly see a picture of a man who looks like he is named “Oren”. He is worth fifty million dollars and nothing in this review will have any effect on him.  He is the writer and director of “Paranormal Activity”, which, for a found footage movie, did not suck.

Area 51 sucked. But let’s not focus on the negative. We have all eternity for that (Preview- You and Me minus Me watching “You Me and Dupree” for 100 years- with occasional breaks for forcible sodomy). Area 51 did some things right. It didn’t overuse certain horror tropes. For example, at no point in this movie did Sean Bean die. He just wished he was dead while he watched it. I assume that this movie was footage found by Sean Bean. It makes it more entertaining to imagine him watching it.

So aside from that, it was all pretty much what you would expect minus anything remotely scary.