Double Take: Best Evil Twins!

Hey, don't get the wrong idea, some of our favorite people are twins! Mary-Kate and Ashley, Ronnie and Reggie, Chang and Eng, Thing One and Thing Two.  We aren't saying twins are creepy....wait, that's exactly what we're saying.



5.  The Other
Oh boy.  If you haven't seen this little gem of a movie, you should consider tracking it down.  It's the story of two darling little blond boys, Niles and Holland, who seem to attract trouble. Also, death.  They attract death.  People seem to die in horrific ways with these two little knuckleheads around. But here's the question.... which twin is evil? This is based on an excellent book by the same name, written by Thomas Tryon.  If you like reading, and scary twins, the book is even creepier than the movie.  (Also check out Thomas Tryon's novel Harvest Home.... what a sick fuck!)  The Other is on DVD and you can buy it here, but so far it is not available streaming.

Three Horror Hacks (and we're not talking about Eli Roth)

Horror Hacks

If you are like me, you’re an immortal princely demon seed that only associates with humans so you can get a better idea of how to utilize and harvest them. And you hate those “life hack” lists. No hacking of any kind and they all seem to be compilations of ways to run power cords through card board tubes. Assuming power cord placement does not occupy more than one minute of your time per year, I thought I would give you some useful tips. In the event, the extremely likely event, that you find yourself in a life or death situation, I would prefer that you die. So I can’t make this list too helpful. However, I would like to point out three little “hacks” that would have made all the difference in these three horror movies:

3. Alien:

Yes, this is a horror movie. Please consult the tagline of the poster for the original movie.

Its a scary poster. Ask anyone. Eggs are terrifying. 

Alien is the franchise launching film that gave everyone an irrational fear of man-eating aliens with acid for blood.  After this film was released interstellar space travel from Earth was reduced by over fifty percent! This misguided fear has lead to a lot of negative stereotypes about Aliens and their  unwilling hosts owners. For those of you that don’t recall, Alien tells the heartwarming story of a misunderstood Xenomorph that meticulously stalks and kills all but one member of a spaceship crew. It was considered one of the most upbeat films of the 1970s.

However, before the screaming, killing, chest bursting, more screaming, and butt-crack shot, there was this:

John Hurt is exploring deep space and the little facehugger leaps onto his helmet, breaking or melting the glass, and latched onto his face to plant the seed of the "Alien". Nature is beautiful. However, this whole thing could have been prevented if they had simply.....

Made the helmets out of the same glass/transparent material that was used to contain the facehuggers! 

In "Aliens" these facehuggers are clearly contained, and then released on purpose, in transparent cases. There is clearly a material that they cannot break or melt. It would seem wise to make your space helmet visors out of material that is resistant to corrosion, projectiles, etc, especially when you are in the business of exploring alien worlds. Just makes sense....but who am I to get in between the senseless slaughter of humans and a corporation's bottom-line? 

2. Jurassic Park. 

Thirsty Thursday!

Let's all raise a glass to the Vampire genre! Here are our top 5 favorites... And no, no Interview with a Vampire.  Tom Cruise gives me the willies, and not in a good way.  And no Bram Stoker either.  Love it, but points off for being long as fuck.  It's called editing.  

5. Fright Night

The original wins here, but the remake was shockingly decent.  But let's focus on the '85 incarnation, shall we?  Basic set up: A teenage boy notices his new neighbor sprouting fangs and biting his date.  He tries to convince his pal and a washed up tv host (of "Fright Night", natch) to help him.  Needless to say, it's hard to convince your friends, let alone strangers, that there is an alarmingly good-looking vampire living next door to you and to help you kill him with a stake.  I love this movie.  Chris Sarandon is awesome as the bloodsucking lead, as is Roddy McDowell as the old TV host, but in my book, Stephen Geoffreys wins this whole fucking movie.  What a weirdo he is, and I mean that in the best possible way.  His creaky, manic voice and odd laugh, and just generally off-putting vibe make him the perfect '80s horror dweeb. If you don't agree, watch 976-EVIL and Fright Night in a double feature.  What makes him extra awesome and bizarre, is that he went on to have a successful career in porn! 

4. The Hunger

Have a craving for something a little more....adult?  The Hunger is about vampires, but it's kind of about the fear of aging, or loss of good looks or something like that.  All I have to say is this: Catherine Deneuve and Susan Sarandon get it on. Also David Bowie.  To paraphrase Gaga: Jawlines for days.  Hot stuff. If you are into pasty blondes.  Aren't we all? 

3. Let the Right One In

Oh, this movie. This.  This fucking movie.  I. Love. This. Movie.  It does not move quickly.  But watch it till the last frame.  You won't be sorry.  

Yeah it's Swedish, so yes, there are subtitles, but don't be a philistine. And the American remake "Let Me In" was not as good. And I'm not just being a remake snob.  

The basic story is: Oskar is a weird boy with an unfortunate haircut who is lonely, his parents are separated, and he gets teased at school.  His new neighbor (notice a theme here?) is a weird girl named Eli, who lives with her dad, and doesn't seem to go to school or really ever leave her apartment during the day.  They become best friends. It gets weird.  Then it gets amazing. Close your eyes right now and picture the bully from your childhood. Got it?  Ok, watch this movie.  That is all. 

2. The Lost Boys

This may be in my top 5 favorite movies of all time.  Keifer Sutherland, both the Coreys, an absolutely amazing soundtrack, the dude who played Bill from Bill and Ted, and Jason Patric in his fucking prime.  My god, I want to go watch it right now.  

Two brothers and their mom move in with their taxidermist grandpa in a small, weird town where people seem to go missing frequently. The younger brother (Corey Haim, may he rest in peace), makes friends, sort of, with the Frog Brothers (one of whom is Corey Feldman, sadly still with us on this mortal plane), who warn him that the town is full of vampires.  The older brother, played by a smoking' hot Jason Patric (still alive? I have no idea), makes friends with a different crew.... who only go out at night.... and live in a cave.... and are led by a very pale and ominous Keifer Sutherland.  You can see where this is all going.  Anyway, yadda yadda, Dianne Wiest, Edward Hermann, the '80s were amazing, amen. Watch. 

1.  Near Dark

Yes.  Near Dark. Is my number one pick... my all time favorite in the vampire genre.  Directed by Catherine Bigelow, who is awesome, this is an amazing movie.  Adrian Pasdar stars as a young guy who falls for a thin, pale blond.  She seems to be traveling with a pack of hooligans, possibly against her will. Yep, just traveling around in a big RV with, oh, you know.... Lance Hendrickson, and Jenette Goldstein.  What? Yes.  If you are a fan of the Alien movies you'll understand.  Oh, and also Bill Paxton, in a tour de force.  I don't ever want to see Bill Paxton act in anything again, unless he's maniacally screaming and covered in blood. Truth.  Oh and also, the creepiest child actor ever to walk the Earth, Joshua Miller.  You might remember him as the creepy little brother in River's Edge.  Or the creepy little brother in Teen Witch.  Fun fact: He's Jason Patric's real life (creepy?) little brother.  Adrian Pasdar foolishly gets involved with the thin, pale blond.  Men.... when will they learn? Brunettes, boys....brunettes. 

That's all, my bloody valentines!! Did I miss your favorite?  What's in YOUR top 5? 

Hugs and kisses....

~Creepy Carrie

A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night.... and she doesn't have to use her mace!

I love the vampire genre.  It’s sexy and terrifying… a thoroughly appealing combination.  I’m also a sucker for aesthetics…. I love a movie that LOOKS really good.  Add an interesting female character whose existence goes beyond victim, and I’m totally in.

A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night combines all three aspects (and has a cool title to boot) and is streaming on Netflix RIGHT NOW.  Or you get it on blu-ray here .

This movie was written and directed by an Iranian woman, AnaLily Amirpour, which makes it even cooler, because if you are a horror fan, you know how rare female writers and directors are.  It is shot in gorgeous black and white, and looks like a Fellini film, it is bleak and beautiful.  It’s Iranian, so yes, there are subtitles, but put on your big kid pants and deal with it.  I know you can read.  

The story takes place in the mythical Persian town of Bad City (interesting side note, it was actually filmed in California, as I imagine it might have been difficult for an Iranian woman to film a vampire movie in Iran).  Aresh is a young man, working a shit job, and taking care of his junkie father.  His mother is dead.   His father owes money to a local dealer/pimp, who breaks absolutely no stereotypes: he sports grade-A douchebag facial hair, wears a track suit, has a tattoo that says “Sex” across his chest, and has an apartment filled with fish tanks, dumbbells, a drum set and suitcases full of drugs and cash. 

Dominic Rains, following the rule that every drug dealer must own a track suit

He’s a real piece of shit who we see smacking women around and making nasty threats to Aresh and his dad.  The pimp takes Aresh’s beloved car when his father can’t pay his debt. 

Also wandering around in the gloom of Bad City is a young woman in a hijab, dressed all in black.  The pimp picks her up, and…. Let’s just say the scene is quite satisfying. 

I don’t want to give it all away, because you should really watch this, but I will say that the paths of Aresh and the young women cross, and it doesn’t unfold exactly how you’d expect.  There are elements of horror, along with a sweetly romantic vibe, and a kick-ass soundtrack of Persian pop music.  It made me think just briefly of Let The Right One In, with older protagonists. 

So, let’s review…. Vampires, cool artsy cinematography, good music, female writer/director, and you get to impress your friends by telling them you watched a foreign film!  It’s not super gory so if that’s a must for you, then grow up, take a night off from straight up gore for gore’s sake, and watch it anyway.  Did I mention it’s on Netflix? No excuses.

~Creepy Carrie

There's....something on the wing!

Is there anything more terrifying than hurtling through the air at unnaturally high speeds, while encased in a claustrophobia-inducing, metal sky-coffin that's full of strangers and their disgusting germs? If your palms started sweating just reading that, well then, read on, my brothers and sisters in aerophobia! Here are the top 5 movies you should NOT watch right before you fly to that family family reunion in the tiniest commercial jet you've ever seen...

"Come Back To Me" Review by Damien

         

"Come Back To Me"- That's not what she said

     Hello faithful subjects. If you are reading this you are not dead and are still temporarily useful to your dark master. Don’t forget to like me onFacebook, or, alternatively, don’t forget to scratch my name into your forehead in order to earn yourself a better place in hell. This week I dove deep into the abyss of streaming horror on Netflix and Amazon and came out with an apple shaped baby's head called “Come Back To Me”. And in case that sentence contained too much information, I would like to emphasize that I am bobbing for baby’s heads, not apples. Because I’m the frigg’n devil’s son. Very evil, very dark. If this offends you, you’re racist.

            Come Back To Me is a 2014 movie adapted and directed by Paul Leyden, who we’ve never heard of either, but as you can see, he is very pretty. For now. 

Paul Leyden's Pretty Face is going to hell

It was based on a book by…wait for it…wait for it…Wrath James White. Yes, his name is Wrath. And he is black, and a professional kickboxer.  Also, his name is Wrath. He is better than you in every way. And he is a pretty fantastic writer. 

Wrath James White. He ain't afraid of no ghost. 

              The movie opens with a profoundly disturbing scene that is essentially the antithesis of every Disney film; it opens with a mother being saved from certain death. After that, the movie takes the look and tone of your basic cinemax softcore movie. Keep your pants on though, there is none of that nonsense (although one of the movie's production companies  IS a porno studio). The director is a veteran of soap opera acting, and shoots many scenes in the same style. It is not too off-putting and works with the subject matter. The sinister content of the film creates a great contrast to the filmography. 

           

     The film centers on a woman who becomes pregnant despite her boyfriend being sterile. You are left to wonder if he is “gaslighting” her, if she carrying a demon seed, or if this is a retelling of the accursed Christmas Tale.  Slowly but surely she begins to experience lost time, disruptive sleep, and night terrors. The twist…the movie is an infomercial for a CPAP machine.

              

   Kidding…there is a neighbor, a neighbor who gives a dark, stalker vibe. I instantly related to him. As her disturbances increase, so does his presence. The story and disruptions weave, brilliantly, to a conclusion that took me by surprise and left me feeling elated that something had happened that was darker than what I had anticipated. The ending was not a cheap twist, but a brilliant and logical culmination of the story.  This movie stuck with me, and when you’re an eternal embodiment of evil, that’s saying something.

This is one of the better streaming surprises (a sentence seldom said by scatologists) and I am compelled (not by the power of Christ) to give it four out of five stars.

"Area 51" Review By Damien

Hello loyal subjects, it is I, Damien, here to advise, control, and direct. Via movie reviews. I watch the movies so you don’t have to. And this week I watched “Area 51”, which is four bucks on Amazon strewing, and also available for free on Netflix.

And it’s overpriced.

Area 51 was written and directed by Oren Peli. If you google “Oren Peli”

I'm Oren (duh)

you will instantly see a picture of a man who looks like he is named “Oren”. He is worth fifty million dollars and nothing in this review will have any effect on him.  He is the writer and director of “Paranormal Activity”, which, for a found footage movie, did not suck.

Area 51 sucked. But let’s not focus on the negative. We have all eternity for that (Preview- You and Me minus Me watching “You Me and Dupree” for 100 years- with occasional breaks for forcible sodomy). Area 51 did some things right. It didn’t overuse certain horror tropes. For example, at no point in this movie did Sean Bean die. He just wished he was dead while he watched it. I assume that this movie was footage found by Sean Bean. It makes it more entertaining to imagine him watching it.

So aside from that, it was all pretty much what you would expect minus anything remotely scary.