Major horror

Major horror
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Sunday, October 18, 2015

Three Horror Hacks (and we're not talking about Eli Roth)

Horror Hacks

If you are like me, you’re an immortal princely demon seed that only associates with humans so you can get a better idea of how to utilize and harvest them. And you hate those “life hack” lists. No hacking of any kind and they all seem to be compilations of ways to run power cords through card board tubes. Assuming power cord placement does not occupy more than one minute of your time per year, I thought I would give you some useful tips. In the event, the extremely likely event, that you find yourself in a life or death situation, I would prefer that you die. So I can’t make this list too helpful. However, I would like to point out three little “hacks” that would have made all the difference in these three horror movies:

3. Alien:
Yes, this is a horror movie. Please consult the tagline of the poster for the original movie.

Its a scary poster. Ask anyone. Eggs are terrifying. 
Alien is the franchise launching film that gave everyone an irrational fear of man-eating aliens with acid for blood.  After this film was released interstellar space travel from Earth was reduced by over fifty percent! This misguided fear has lead to a lot of negative stereotypes about Aliens and their  unwilling hosts owners. For those of you that don’t recall, Alien tells the heartwarming story of a misunderstood Xenomorph that meticulously stalks and kills all but one member of a spaceship crew. It was considered one of the most upbeat films of the 1970s.

However, before the screaming, killing, chest bursting, more screaming, and butt-crack shot, there was this:

John Hurt is exploring deep space and the little facehugger leaps onto his helmet, breaking or melting the glass, and latched onto his face to plant the seed of the "Alien". Nature is beautiful. However, this whole thing could have been prevented if they had simply.....

Made the helmets out of the same glass/transparent material that was used to contain the facehuggers! 

In "Aliens" these facehuggers are clearly contained, and then released on purpose, in transparent cases. There is clearly a material that they cannot break or melt. It would seem wise to make your space helmet visors out of material that is resistant to corrosion, projectiles, etc, especially when you are in the business of exploring alien worlds. Just makes sense....but who am I to get in between the senseless slaughter of humans and a corporation's bottom-line? 

2. Jurassic Park. 

Ok, this might not be a horror movie. But, it does involve creatures that were created in a lab trying to kill and eat children, so what does that say about you if you don't think this is a horror movie? 

There were so many things that could have been done differently at Jurassic Park. One thing that comes to mind is connected the buildings, and not putting the area that contains the raptors in-between the power generator and the control center. But hacks are supposed to be simple so let me give you the ultimate "hack" to make Jurassic Park safer and the movie shorter:

Sixty Five Million Years of Evolution in action

When you baby-proof a house its important to get rid of door handles that someone can just lean on to open. You don't want your toddler or dog to be able to open doors just by leaning against them. You would think this logic might apply at a theme park that houses dangerous prehistoric animals. But no, they use handles that would be unsafe for someone with a two year-old or a Labrador, let alone murderous reptiles. 

Yeah, that whole sequence is WAY different with a round door knob. Come on, don't spare that expense!

1. Drag Me to Hell

This movie reinforces two unassailable truths.
  1.  Don't mess with Gypsies. Ever.
    1.  Gypsies are one of the only minority groups it is always ok to portray in an incredibly       negative and demeaning manner in any and all cinematic depictions. 
    This and Texas are nothing to  mess with
    The wonderful chain of events that leads to what I would consider one of the happiest endings in modern cinema starts with the main character refusing to give a gypsy a break on her late mortgage payment. Now, while I respect this as a device to drag someone to hell, it all could have been avoided. It would have been an incredibly dull short film, but here's a way to avoid a gypsy curse and make a little extra money on the side- which should really impress your boss. 

    Reverse Mortgage or other Mortgage Workout Solutions (that most banks are required to tell you about)- 

    The gypsy owns property in LA and is behind on the note- why not sell the note and get the funds backed up by the Feds? You can do that, usually, if the owner is over a certain age (the gypsy appears to be 99 years old, so that will work) and HUD will back the note. Basically, the senior citizen pledges her house to the bank when she dies and lives there for the rest of her life. The bank makes a commission on the transaction and can sell the property again when the owner dies. Which in the actual timeline of this movie, was the very next day. The other possibility would have been to refer her to the TARP program, which was enacted in 2008, just to keep people/gypsies like her in their homes.  I know, sort of a boring hack, but as the son of Satan I know a lot of people in finance and this aspect of the movie has always bothered them. Worse case scenario encourage her to file a Chapter 13 Bankruptcy, which would have absolutely saved the house. And the lady's soul. Spoiler- she totally gets dragged to hell. 

    I guess the real hack here is to not be an asshole. 

    So these are three hacks I could think of off the top of my head. Really, the best hack is to grab a gun when you think you should grab a knife, never go downstairs, don't split up, and never, ever, under any circumstances, mess with Gypsies. Or Texas. 


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