Indie Sunday: Dead Kansas

Do you enjoy impressing your friends by seeing movies they haven't heard of? Then you must be an indie fan! Read on! If you only watch big budget, wide release movies.... broaden your horizons.  Or just skip this review.

Here's a disclaimer: Dead Kansas is a low budget film, so set your expectations accordingly.   That being said, these guys did well with the budget they had.  Here's the set-up:  Survivors of something that turned much of the population into zombies called "Rottens" are living the small-town survivor life in Kansas.  (Kansas has a lot of stucco and palm trees in this story.... maybe this was also caused by the plague? Just go with it.)

A religious man named Glenn lives with his young adult/barely legal daughter, Emma. He is loosely based on Hank Hill.

 Meanwhile, nearby, a band of rowdy men are living in a makeshift camp. There have no women.  It is eluded to that most of the women were turned into Rottens. In reality most of the women that they asked to appear on the set that day were limited to the significant others and mothers of the production team.  The camp appears to be in a cramped backyard, in Kansas. I am pretty sure that those "Backyard Wrestling" videos were filmed here as well.

 They are led by Jeb, who is hands down my favorite character.  He wears a flannel shirt even though it seems to be more t-shirt weather. He has sunglasses that he takes off and puts on dramatically so many times they should get their own billing. It is never stated, but I have to assume that in the pre-apocalypse, Jeb cooked and used meth. He also probably watched a lot of Girls Gone Wild on VHS tapes. Oddly, he is single. He is also the leader of a gang of skeevy men. I imagine that the actors who played them are the core followers/fans/cousins of the director’s heavy metal band (a 1990s group called “Power of Aggression). So, with the “Rotten” apocalypse essentially deregulating the meth production, Jeb is forced to “cook” up something else.  He comes up with a plan to kidnap and sell Emma to some guy for the purpose of continuing the human race.  Ew. I guess this is what happened in a meth based economy when supply outweighs demand.

Jeb and his sunglasses take no shit

Jeb sets out to collect Emma with a few of his delightfully overacting cronies. One is his brother Zeke, played by Kevin Beardsley. Zeke only grunts and growls. His character is a conglomerate of Lennie from “Of Mice and Men” and Dick Cheney, only sweeter.  Beardsley also plays another role…."Rusty”…a medical assistant who wears a three piece suit and talks like Foghorn Leghorn. Just trust me, it works. At this point I have to wonder why you’re even reading this and not immediately viewing this movie!

There is also another henchman who has a very close relationship with his manikin torso "Sally". In fact, the movie is full of very humorous characters and shots. It is one of many examples of how the film makers played to their strengths in what was clearly a budget challenged film.

Back to the story... Rottens attack, Jeb's buddies get it, and Glenn gets bitten/infected.  The rest of the movie revolves around Emma's journey to get help for her father, accompanied by some odd but kind characters she meets along the way.... a la Wizard of Oz... NOW the Kansas thing makes sense.  Sort of.

Dead Kansas had a solid story line, it didn't veer off into a million directions, or try to have any clever twists that mucked everything up.  It had some famous actors (for a production where ordering anything that wasn’t on the “dollar menu” would send it "over budget”). Notably, the film had Irwin Keys and Ben Woolf. Both are recognizable character actors, appearing in American Horror Story, House of 1000 corpses, and many other feature films. And they both died shortly after making this movie. Which is very metal! But also weird. 

Irwin Keys- may or may not have released an album called "Songs in the Keys of Life"

I'm guessing the production of this movie was and is more interesting than the movie. But overall, we love supporting the spirit and dedication that goes into these sorts of films. And the writing was solid, even when the sets, acting, and casting were not.   No spoilers, but the ending was just right.  The other nice touch was that we didn't see the Rottens much.  No shitty zombie effects....a good idea when you have a small budget. Instead, when the zombies/Rottens were coming, we saw their point of view, which was in black and white. A nice touch.  

That being said, back to the insanity that producing this film must have been. There was the character of Emma, the only female cast in a major role in the film. And she was played by two different actresses (three if you count a flashback to her childhood).  This was confusing, especially since Emma #1 had bangs and chin length hair, and Emma #2 had long hair with no bangs.  Also their faces looked different, because they were, in fact, two entirely different people. Emma #1 also seemed decidedly more pious and pure than Emma #2, who acted like she didn't totally mind being made to wear a skimpy nightgown at Jeb's insistence.  We can only assume there was some kind of issue during the filming that caused Emma #1 to drop out (maybe she broke up with one of crew?) but let's just pretend that the use of two completely different actresses was an intentional homage to Ed Wood.  Yeah.... they meant to do that. It sort of evens out by having one actor play two different roles (Zeke and Rusty). Maybe. I’ll check the math on that later.

"Emma Bangs"

"Emma No-bangs"

Dead Kansas also has a good metal soundtrack.  Metal makes everything better. 

We are looking forward to the next film by this guy (Aaron K Carter), Cuatro Stinkos, a horror anthology that is winning already on name alone. And it apparently won an award as well- the Best Zombie Film at the 2014 FANtastic Horror Film Festival. The films it beat were:

Naked Zombie Girl

The Wretched Prologue

They Will Out Live Us All

Zombie Casserole

I would have voted for Naked Zombie Girl, but to each his own.

This movie is entertaining despite being low budget and flawed. Watch it to appreciate the effort that went into it. It's streaming on Amazon so no excuses! Maybe it will motivate you to pick up a camera and make your own film.

We got "Cooties"! A movie review by Damien.

Hello again my obedient slaves, you are here again as commanded. In my never ending mission to give you more than you deserve I watched Cooties for you. Only these cooties don't make you itch, they make you kill. And they are spread from eating chicken nuggets, the official snack of the midwest  Hell. In case you're worried about catching them from me, I even got you some of that special shampoo...

Gets rid of cooties. And everything else. 

Sorry, I was legally obligated to make at least one "Cootie" related joke. What can I say, I'm a sap for classic comedy. Maybe later we can riff on each other and do some "Your mother sucks cocks in hell" jokes together. Classic!  

This is the latest and only feature film from the directing duo Jonathan Millot and Cary Murnion. Rumors persist that they may or may not be dynamic, only time will tell. They own and operate an extremely innovative media company called "Honest" that "creates unconventional content in all forms". While I deplore the name, they have a very impressive catalog of media that they have created for a wide variety of media campaigns. Yadda yadda, I'll see them in hell with the rest of you. They just filmed it, they didn't write it. And since you always need more writers than directors and more gospels than gods, there were three writers for this movie. Called Cooties. About kids that ate bad chicken nuggets. Three. 

Not Murnion and Millot. But remember the early 2000s?!!

Three Horror Hacks (and we're not talking about Eli Roth)

Horror Hacks

If you are like me, you’re an immortal princely demon seed that only associates with humans so you can get a better idea of how to utilize and harvest them. And you hate those “life hack” lists. No hacking of any kind and they all seem to be compilations of ways to run power cords through card board tubes. Assuming power cord placement does not occupy more than one minute of your time per year, I thought I would give you some useful tips. In the event, the extremely likely event, that you find yourself in a life or death situation, I would prefer that you die. So I can’t make this list too helpful. However, I would like to point out three little “hacks” that would have made all the difference in these three horror movies:

3. Alien:

Yes, this is a horror movie. Please consult the tagline of the poster for the original movie.

Its a scary poster. Ask anyone. Eggs are terrifying. 

Alien is the franchise launching film that gave everyone an irrational fear of man-eating aliens with acid for blood.  After this film was released interstellar space travel from Earth was reduced by over fifty percent! This misguided fear has lead to a lot of negative stereotypes about Aliens and their  unwilling hosts owners. For those of you that don’t recall, Alien tells the heartwarming story of a misunderstood Xenomorph that meticulously stalks and kills all but one member of a spaceship crew. It was considered one of the most upbeat films of the 1970s.

However, before the screaming, killing, chest bursting, more screaming, and butt-crack shot, there was this:

John Hurt is exploring deep space and the little facehugger leaps onto his helmet, breaking or melting the glass, and latched onto his face to plant the seed of the "Alien". Nature is beautiful. However, this whole thing could have been prevented if they had simply.....

Made the helmets out of the same glass/transparent material that was used to contain the facehuggers! 

In "Aliens" these facehuggers are clearly contained, and then released on purpose, in transparent cases. There is clearly a material that they cannot break or melt. It would seem wise to make your space helmet visors out of material that is resistant to corrosion, projectiles, etc, especially when you are in the business of exploring alien worlds. Just makes sense....but who am I to get in between the senseless slaughter of humans and a corporation's bottom-line? 

2. Jurassic Park. 

"Creep"-..A movie Review by Damien

Hello again! If you’re reading this I guess you didn’t eat any of that food I sent over. Well played mortal, well played. This week I once again bring forth a review of that which I have braved, a movie found in the streaming netherworld. And it is the aptly titled and poorly marketed “Creep”. If you were looking for insight into the TLC song "Creep" please stick around. You deserve disappointment. 

I'm Patrick and I love TED talks. Probably

Creep is the first feature length film from indie film maker Patrick Brice and it is a “found footage” film. If my previous sentence seems familiar that is because it is often used, successfully, as an affirmative defense in murder trials. But…while we support the murder of anyone who uses the word “indie” Mr. Brice is doing some things right. Actually, this film is remarkable and leaves a lasting impression. 

For a “found footage” movie this is somewhat plausible, since it revolves around one character hiring another character to film him for a day. So it’s a believable premise. It is also an incredibly dull one.  Where the movie draws it strength is from its undercurrent of dark humor and off-putting situations. Or perhaps it draws its strength from our yellow sun. Hard to tell. 

"Creep" features a character that I  know all too well. The off-putting male with a desperate need for attention who seems to be a completely full of shit but has a little bit of money and is in love with himself. But I know a lot of lawyers (cause I'm the devil) so maybe I'm over exposed to these types. This character is played rather brilliantly by comedic actor Mark Duplass, which is the name the operator will think she hears when Michael Douglass call 911 after having a stroke. 

Duplass is not the person you would imagine taking on this role, especially since the film uses this image to advertise the movie:

We're an indie movie with a well known actor. Who we're going to hide in all are marketing.
Wanna go to Burning Man?

Thirsty Thursday!

Let's all raise a glass to the Vampire genre! Here are our top 5 favorites... And no, no Interview with a Vampire.  Tom Cruise gives me the willies, and not in a good way.  And no Bram Stoker either.  Love it, but points off for being long as fuck.  It's called editing.  

5. Fright Night

The original wins here, but the remake was shockingly decent.  But let's focus on the '85 incarnation, shall we?  Basic set up: A teenage boy notices his new neighbor sprouting fangs and biting his date.  He tries to convince his pal and a washed up tv host (of "Fright Night", natch) to help him.  Needless to say, it's hard to convince your friends, let alone strangers, that there is an alarmingly good-looking vampire living next door to you and to help you kill him with a stake.  I love this movie.  Chris Sarandon is awesome as the bloodsucking lead, as is Roddy McDowell as the old TV host, but in my book, Stephen Geoffreys wins this whole fucking movie.  What a weirdo he is, and I mean that in the best possible way.  His creaky, manic voice and odd laugh, and just generally off-putting vibe make him the perfect '80s horror dweeb. If you don't agree, watch 976-EVIL and Fright Night in a double feature.  What makes him extra awesome and bizarre, is that he went on to have a successful career in porn! 

4. The Hunger

Have a craving for something a little more....adult?  The Hunger is about vampires, but it's kind of about the fear of aging, or loss of good looks or something like that.  All I have to say is this: Catherine Deneuve and Susan Sarandon get it on. Also David Bowie.  To paraphrase Gaga: Jawlines for days.  Hot stuff. If you are into pasty blondes.  Aren't we all? 

3. Let the Right One In

Oh, this movie. This.  This fucking movie.  I. Love. This. Movie.  It does not move quickly.  But watch it till the last frame.  You won't be sorry.  

Yeah it's Swedish, so yes, there are subtitles, but don't be a philistine. And the American remake "Let Me In" was not as good. And I'm not just being a remake snob.  

The basic story is: Oskar is a weird boy with an unfortunate haircut who is lonely, his parents are separated, and he gets teased at school.  His new neighbor (notice a theme here?) is a weird girl named Eli, who lives with her dad, and doesn't seem to go to school or really ever leave her apartment during the day.  They become best friends. It gets weird.  Then it gets amazing. Close your eyes right now and picture the bully from your childhood. Got it?  Ok, watch this movie.  That is all. 

2. The Lost Boys

This may be in my top 5 favorite movies of all time.  Keifer Sutherland, both the Coreys, an absolutely amazing soundtrack, the dude who played Bill from Bill and Ted, and Jason Patric in his fucking prime.  My god, I want to go watch it right now.  

Two brothers and their mom move in with their taxidermist grandpa in a small, weird town where people seem to go missing frequently. The younger brother (Corey Haim, may he rest in peace), makes friends, sort of, with the Frog Brothers (one of whom is Corey Feldman, sadly still with us on this mortal plane), who warn him that the town is full of vampires.  The older brother, played by a smoking' hot Jason Patric (still alive? I have no idea), makes friends with a different crew.... who only go out at night.... and live in a cave.... and are led by a very pale and ominous Keifer Sutherland.  You can see where this is all going.  Anyway, yadda yadda, Dianne Wiest, Edward Hermann, the '80s were amazing, amen. Watch. 

1.  Near Dark

Yes.  Near Dark. Is my number one pick... my all time favorite in the vampire genre.  Directed by Catherine Bigelow, who is awesome, this is an amazing movie.  Adrian Pasdar stars as a young guy who falls for a thin, pale blond.  She seems to be traveling with a pack of hooligans, possibly against her will. Yep, just traveling around in a big RV with, oh, you know.... Lance Hendrickson, and Jenette Goldstein.  What? Yes.  If you are a fan of the Alien movies you'll understand.  Oh, and also Bill Paxton, in a tour de force.  I don't ever want to see Bill Paxton act in anything again, unless he's maniacally screaming and covered in blood. Truth.  Oh and also, the creepiest child actor ever to walk the Earth, Joshua Miller.  You might remember him as the creepy little brother in River's Edge.  Or the creepy little brother in Teen Witch.  Fun fact: He's Jason Patric's real life (creepy?) little brother.  Adrian Pasdar foolishly gets involved with the thin, pale blond.  Men.... when will they learn? Brunettes, boys....brunettes. 

That's all, my bloody valentines!! Did I miss your favorite?  What's in YOUR top 5? 

Hugs and kisses....

~Creepy Carrie

There's....something on the wing!

Is there anything more terrifying than hurtling through the air at unnaturally high speeds, while encased in a claustrophobia-inducing, metal sky-coffin that's full of strangers and their disgusting germs? If your palms started sweating just reading that, well then, read on, my brothers and sisters in aerophobia! Here are the top 5 movies you should NOT watch right before you fly to that family family reunion in the tiniest commercial jet you've ever seen...

"Area 51" Review By Damien

Hello loyal subjects, it is I, Damien, here to advise, control, and direct. Via movie reviews. I watch the movies so you don’t have to. And this week I watched “Area 51”, which is four bucks on Amazon strewing, and also available for free on Netflix.

And it’s overpriced.

Area 51 was written and directed by Oren Peli. If you google “Oren Peli”

I'm Oren (duh)

you will instantly see a picture of a man who looks like he is named “Oren”. He is worth fifty million dollars and nothing in this review will have any effect on him.  He is the writer and director of “Paranormal Activity”, which, for a found footage movie, did not suck.

Area 51 sucked. But let’s not focus on the negative. We have all eternity for that (Preview- You and Me minus Me watching “You Me and Dupree” for 100 years- with occasional breaks for forcible sodomy). Area 51 did some things right. It didn’t overuse certain horror tropes. For example, at no point in this movie did Sean Bean die. He just wished he was dead while he watched it. I assume that this movie was footage found by Sean Bean. It makes it more entertaining to imagine him watching it.

So aside from that, it was all pretty much what you would expect minus anything remotely scary.