Major horror

Major horror
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Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Keep from the moors.... Best Werewolf Transformations!

Well, it's that time of the month again.  No, no, no.... I mean there's a full moon!  If you wake up tomorrow naked and covered in blood, well, you might be a werewolf.  Or just get the super absorbent pads next time.

3.  American Werewolf in London

Great scene, great music, great movie.

2. The Howling
A classic! Plus, it stars ET's mom!
1. The Company of Wolves
Ok, not the best movie in the world, but the transformation scene is magnificent and gruesome. Points for tearing your whole face off!

Ok loves! I hope you enjoy! Gotta go put my stretchy pants on now..... you know, so I don't tear my good jeans when the moon comes out.
~ Creepy Carrie

Sunday, October 25, 2015

Indie Sunday: Dead Kansas

Do you enjoy impressing your friends by seeing movies they haven't heard of? Then you must be an indie fan! Read on! If you only watch big budget, wide release movies.... broaden your horizons.  Or just skip this review.

Here's a disclaimer: Dead Kansas is a low budget film, so set your expectations accordingly.   That being said, these guys did well with the budget they had.  Here's the set-up:  Survivors of something that turned much of the population into zombies called "Rottens" are living the small-town survivor life in Kansas.  (Kansas has a lot of stucco and palm trees in this story.... maybe this was also caused by the plague? Just go with it.)

A religious man named Glenn lives with his young adult/barely legal daughter, Emma. He is loosely based on Hank Hill.

 Meanwhile, nearby, a band of rowdy men are living in a makeshift camp. There have no women.  It is eluded to that most of the women were turned into Rottens. In reality most of the women that they asked to appear on the set that day were limited to the significant others and mothers of the production team.  The camp appears to be in a cramped backyard, in Kansas. I am pretty sure that those "Backyard Wrestling" videos were filmed here as well.

 They are led by Jeb, who is hands down my favorite character.  He wears a flannel shirt even though it seems to be more t-shirt weather. He has sunglasses that he takes off and puts on dramatically so many times they should get their own billing. It is never stated, but I have to assume that in the pre-apocalypse, Jeb cooked and used meth. He also probably watched a lot of Girls Gone Wild on VHS tapes. Oddly, he is single. He is also the leader of a gang of skeevy men. I imagine that the actors who played them are the core followers/fans/cousins of the director’s heavy metal band (a 1990s group called “Power of Aggression). So, with the “Rotten” apocalypse essentially deregulating the meth production, Jeb is forced to “cook” up something else.  He comes up with a plan to kidnap and sell Emma to some guy for the purpose of continuing the human race.  Ew. I guess this is what happened in a meth based economy when supply outweighs demand.
Jeb and his sunglasses take no shit

Jeb sets out to collect Emma with a few of his delightfully overacting cronies. One is his brother Zeke, played by Kevin Beardsley. Zeke only grunts and growls. His character is a conglomerate of Lennie from “Of Mice and Men” and Dick Cheney, only sweeter.  Beardsley also plays another role…."Rusty”…a medical assistant who wears a three piece suit and talks like Foghorn Leghorn. Just trust me, it works. At this point I have to wonder why you’re even reading this and not immediately viewing this movie!

There is also another henchman who has a very close relationship with his manikin torso "Sally". In fact, the movie is full of very humorous characters and shots. It is one of many examples of how the film makers played to their strengths in what was clearly a budget challenged film.

Back to the story... Rottens attack, Jeb's buddies get it, and Glenn gets bitten/infected.  The rest of the movie revolves around Emma's journey to get help for her father, accompanied by some odd but kind characters she meets along the way.... a la Wizard of Oz... NOW the Kansas thing makes sense.  Sort of.

Dead Kansas had a solid story line, it didn't veer off into a million directions, or try to have any clever twists that mucked everything up.  It had some famous actors (for a production where ordering anything that wasn’t on the “dollar menu” would send it "over budget”). Notably, the film had Irwin Keys and Ben Woolf. Both are recognizable character actors, appearing in American Horror Story, House of 1000 corpses, and many other feature films. And they both died shortly after making this movie. Which is very metal! But also weird. 

Irwin Keys- may or may not have released an album called "Songs in the Keys of Life"

I'm guessing the production of this movie was and is more interesting than the movie. But overall, we love supporting the spirit and dedication that goes into these sorts of films. And the writing was solid, even when the sets, acting, and casting were not.   No spoilers, but the ending was just right.  The other nice touch was that we didn't see the Rottens much.  No shitty zombie effects....a good idea when you have a small budget. Instead, when the zombies/Rottens were coming, we saw their point of view, which was in black and white. A nice touch.  

That being said, back to the insanity that producing this film must have been. There was the character of Emma, the only female cast in a major role in the film. And she was played by two different actresses (three if you count a flashback to her childhood).  This was confusing, especially since Emma #1 had bangs and chin length hair, and Emma #2 had long hair with no bangs.  Also their faces looked different, because they were, in fact, two entirely different people. Emma #1 also seemed decidedly more pious and pure than Emma #2, who acted like she didn't totally mind being made to wear a skimpy nightgown at Jeb's insistence.  We can only assume there was some kind of issue during the filming that caused Emma #1 to drop out (maybe she broke up with one of crew?) but let's just pretend that the use of two completely different actresses was an intentional homage to Ed Wood.  Yeah.... they meant to do that. It sort of evens out by having one actor play two different roles (Zeke and Rusty). Maybe. I’ll check the math on that later.

"Emma Bangs"

"Emma No-bangs"

Dead Kansas also has a good metal soundtrack.  Metal makes everything better. 

We are looking forward to the next film by this guy (Aaron K Carter), Cuatro Stinkos, a horror anthology that is winning already on name alone. And it apparently won an award as well- the Best Zombie Film at the 2014 FANtastic Horror Film Festival. The films it beat were:

Naked Zombie Girl
The Wretched Prologue
They Will Out Live Us All
Zombie Casserole

I would have voted for Naked Zombie Girl, but to each his own.

This movie is entertaining despite being low budget and flawed. Watch it to appreciate the effort that went into it. It's streaming on Amazon so no excuses! Maybe it will motivate you to pick up a camera and make your own film.

Saturday, October 24, 2015

We got "Cooties"! A movie review by Damien.

Hello again my obedient slaves, you are here again as commanded. In my never ending mission to give you more than you deserve I watched Cooties for you. Only these cooties don't make you itch, they make you kill. And they are spread from eating chicken nuggets, the official snack of the midwest  Hell. In case you're worried about catching them from me, I even got you some of that special shampoo...

Gets rid of cooties. And everything else. 

Sorry, I was legally obligated to make at least one "Cootie" related joke. What can I say, I'm a sap for classic comedy. Maybe later we can riff on each other and do some "Your mother sucks cocks in hell" jokes together. Classic!  

This is the latest and only feature film from the directing duo Jonathan Millot and Cary Murnion. Rumors persist that they may or may not be dynamic, only time will tell. They own and operate an extremely innovative media company called "Honest" that "creates unconventional content in all forms". While I deplore the name, they have a very impressive catalog of media that they have created for a wide variety of media campaigns. Yadda yadda, I'll see them in hell with the rest of you. They just filmed it, they didn't write it. And since you always need more writers than directors and more gospels than gods, there were three writers for this movie. Called Cooties. About kids that ate bad chicken nuggets. Three. 

Not Murnion and Millot. But remember the early 2000s?!!

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Double Take: Best Evil Twins!

Hey, don't get the wrong idea, some of our favorite people are twins! Mary-Kate and Ashley, Ronnie and Reggie, Chang and Eng, Thing One and Thing Two.  We aren't saying twins are creepy....wait, that's exactly what we're saying.

5.  The Other
Oh boy.  If you haven't seen this little gem of a movie, you should consider tracking it down.  It's the story of two darling little blond boys, Niles and Holland, who seem to attract trouble. Also, death.  They attract death.  People seem to die in horrific ways with these two little knuckleheads around. But here's the question.... which twin is evil? This is based on an excellent book by the same name, written by Thomas Tryon.  If you like reading, and scary twins, the book is even creepier than the movie.  (Also check out Thomas Tryon's novel Harvest Home.... what a sick fuck!)  The Other is on DVD and you can buy it here, but so far it is not available streaming.

Please vaccinate. So he can assassinate.

Sunday, October 18, 2015

Three Horror Hacks (and we're not talking about Eli Roth)

Horror Hacks

If you are like me, you’re an immortal princely demon seed that only associates with humans so you can get a better idea of how to utilize and harvest them. And you hate those “life hack” lists. No hacking of any kind and they all seem to be compilations of ways to run power cords through card board tubes. Assuming power cord placement does not occupy more than one minute of your time per year, I thought I would give you some useful tips. In the event, the extremely likely event, that you find yourself in a life or death situation, I would prefer that you die. So I can’t make this list too helpful. However, I would like to point out three little “hacks” that would have made all the difference in these three horror movies:

3. Alien:
Yes, this is a horror movie. Please consult the tagline of the poster for the original movie.

Its a scary poster. Ask anyone. Eggs are terrifying. 
Alien is the franchise launching film that gave everyone an irrational fear of man-eating aliens with acid for blood.  After this film was released interstellar space travel from Earth was reduced by over fifty percent! This misguided fear has lead to a lot of negative stereotypes about Aliens and their  unwilling hosts owners. For those of you that don’t recall, Alien tells the heartwarming story of a misunderstood Xenomorph that meticulously stalks and kills all but one member of a spaceship crew. It was considered one of the most upbeat films of the 1970s.

However, before the screaming, killing, chest bursting, more screaming, and butt-crack shot, there was this:

John Hurt is exploring deep space and the little facehugger leaps onto his helmet, breaking or melting the glass, and latched onto his face to plant the seed of the "Alien". Nature is beautiful. However, this whole thing could have been prevented if they had simply.....

Made the helmets out of the same glass/transparent material that was used to contain the facehuggers! 

In "Aliens" these facehuggers are clearly contained, and then released on purpose, in transparent cases. There is clearly a material that they cannot break or melt. It would seem wise to make your space helmet visors out of material that is resistant to corrosion, projectiles, etc, especially when you are in the business of exploring alien worlds. Just makes sense....but who am I to get in between the senseless slaughter of humans and a corporation's bottom-line? 

2. Jurassic Park. 

Friday, October 16, 2015

"Creep"-..A movie Review by Damien

Hello again! If you’re reading this I guess you didn’t eat any of that food I sent over. Well played mortal, well played. This week I once again bring forth a review of that which I have braved, a movie found in the streaming netherworld. And it is the aptly titled and poorly marketed “Creep”. If you were looking for insight into the TLC song "Creep" please stick around. You deserve disappointment. 

I'm Patrick and I love TED talks. Probably
Creep is the first feature length film from indie film maker Patrick Brice and it is a “found footage” film. If my previous sentence seems familiar that is because it is often used, successfully, as an affirmative defense in murder trials. But…while we support the murder of anyone who uses the word “indie” Mr. Brice is doing some things right. Actually, this film is remarkable and leaves a lasting impression. 

For a “found footage” movie this is somewhat plausible, since it revolves around one character hiring another character to film him for a day. So it’s a believable premise. It is also an incredibly dull one.  Where the movie draws it strength is from its undercurrent of dark humor and off-putting situations. Or perhaps it draws its strength from our yellow sun. Hard to tell. 

"Creep" features a character that I  know all too well. The off-putting male with a desperate need for attention who seems to be a completely full of shit but has a little bit of money and is in love with himself. But I know a lot of lawyers (cause I'm the devil) so maybe I'm over exposed to these types. This character is played rather brilliantly by comedic actor Mark Duplass, which is the name the operator will think she hears when Michael Douglass call 911 after having a stroke. 

Duplass is not the person you would imagine taking on this role, especially since the film uses this image to advertise the movie:

We're an indie movie with a well known actor. Who we're going to hide in all are marketing.
Wanna go to Burning Man?

Thursday, October 15, 2015

Thirsty Thursday!

Let's all raise a glass to the Vampire genre! Here are our top 5 favorites... And no, no Interview with a Vampire.  Tom Cruise gives me the willies, and not in a good way.  And no Bram Stoker either.  Love it, but points off for being long as fuck.  It's called editing.  

The original wins here, but the remake was shockingly decent.  But let's focus on the '85 incarnation, shall we?  Basic set up: A teenage boy notices his new neighbor sprouting fangs and biting his date.  He tries to convince his pal and a washed up tv host (of "Fright Night", natch) to help him.  Needless to say, it's hard to convince your friends, let alone strangers, that there is an alarmingly good-looking vampire living next door to you and to help you kill him with a stake.  I love this movie.  Chris Sarandon is awesome as the bloodsucking lead, as is Roddy McDowell as the old TV host, but in my book, Stephen Geoffreys wins this whole fucking movie.  What a weirdo he is, and I mean that in the best possible way.  His creaky, manic voice and odd laugh, and just generally off-putting vibe make him the perfect '80s horror dweeb. If you don't agree, watch 976-EVIL and Fright Night in a double feature.  What makes him extra awesome and bizarre, is that he went on to have a successful career in porn! 

Have a craving for something a little  The Hunger is about vampires, but it's kind of about the fear of aging, or loss of good looks or something like that.  All I have to say is this: Catherine Deneuve and Susan Sarandon get it on. Also David Bowie.  To paraphrase Gaga: Jawlines for days.  Hot stuff. If you are into pasty blondes.  Aren't we all? 

Oh, this movie. This.  This fucking movie.  I. Love. This. Movie.  It does not move quickly.  But watch it till the last frame.  You won't be sorry.  
Yeah it's Swedish, so yes, there are subtitles, but don't be a philistine. And the American remake "Let Me In" was not as good. And I'm not just being a remake snob.  
The basic story is: Oskar is a weird boy with an unfortunate haircut who is lonely, his parents are separated, and he gets teased at school.  His new neighbor (notice a theme here?) is a weird girl named Eli, who lives with her dad, and doesn't seem to go to school or really ever leave her apartment during the day.  They become best friends. It gets weird.  Then it gets amazing. Close your eyes right now and picture the bully from your childhood. Got it?  Ok, watch this movie.  That is all. 

This may be in my top 5 favorite movies of all time.  Keifer Sutherland, both the Coreys, an absolutely amazing soundtrack, the dude who played Bill from Bill and Ted, and Jason Patric in his fucking prime.  My god, I want to go watch it right now.  
Two brothers and their mom move in with their taxidermist grandpa in a small, weird town where people seem to go missing frequently. The younger brother (Corey Haim, may he rest in peace), makes friends, sort of, with the Frog Brothers (one of whom is Corey Feldman, sadly still with us on this mortal plane), who warn him that the town is full of vampires.  The older brother, played by a smoking' hot Jason Patric (still alive? I have no idea), makes friends with a different crew.... who only go out at night.... and live in a cave.... and are led by a very pale and ominous Keifer Sutherland.  You can see where this is all going.  Anyway, yadda yadda, Dianne Wiest, Edward Hermann, the '80s were amazing, amen. Watch. 

1.  Near Dark
Yes.  Near Dark. Is my number one pick... my all time favorite in the vampire genre.  Directed by Catherine Bigelow, who is awesome, this is an amazing movie.  Adrian Pasdar stars as a young guy who falls for a thin, pale blond.  She seems to be traveling with a pack of hooligans, possibly against her will. Yep, just traveling around in a big RV with, oh, you know.... Lance Hendrickson, and Jenette Goldstein.  What? Yes.  If you are a fan of the Alien movies you'll understand.  Oh, and also Bill Paxton, in a tour de force.  I don't ever want to see Bill Paxton act in anything again, unless he's maniacally screaming and covered in blood. Truth.  Oh and also, the creepiest child actor ever to walk the Earth, Joshua Miller.  You might remember him as the creepy little brother in River's Edge.  Or the creepy little brother in Teen Witch.  Fun fact: He's Jason Patric's real life (creepy?) little brother.  Adrian Pasdar foolishly gets involved with the thin, pale blond.  Men.... when will they learn? Brunettes, boys....brunettes. 

That's all, my bloody valentines!! Did I miss your favorite?  What's in YOUR top 5? 
Hugs and kisses....
~Creepy Carrie

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Happy Tuesday the 13th!

What's the difference between a hockey mom and an unstoppable killing machine? One sells you fund raising coupon books. Which begs the question...which one is worse?

Monday, October 12, 2015

Lady Gaga is the Patron Saint of Major Horror

The only thing we don't like about these scenes with Lady Gaga is that they end. 

Music by "She Wants Revenge".

All clips are taken from the first episode of American Horror Story: Hotel. Lots of spoilers, nudity, and death. And laughter...for some of us. 

Even after watching that clip I think I would still go home with her. Mom would love her!

Sunday, October 11, 2015

A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night.... and she doesn't have to use her mace!

I love the vampire genre.  It’s sexy and terrifying… a thoroughly appealing combination.  I’m also a sucker for aesthetics…. I love a movie that LOOKS really good.  Add an interesting female character whose existence goes beyond victim, and I’m totally in.

A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night combines all three aspects (and has a cool title to boot) and is streaming on Netflix RIGHT NOW.  Or you get it on blu-ray here .

This movie was written and directed by an Iranian woman, AnaLily Amirpour, which makes it even cooler, because if you are a horror fan, you know how rare female writers and directors are.  It is shot in gorgeous black and white, and looks like a Fellini film, it is bleak and beautiful.  It’s Iranian, so yes, there are subtitles, but put on your big kid pants and deal with it.  I know you can read.  

The story takes place in the mythical Persian town of Bad City (interesting side note, it was actually filmed in California, as I imagine it might have been difficult for an Iranian woman to film a vampire movie in Iran).  Aresh is a young man, working a shit job, and taking care of his junkie father.  His mother is dead.   His father owes money to a local dealer/pimp, who breaks absolutely no stereotypes: he sports grade-A douchebag facial hair, wears a track suit, has a tattoo that says “Sex” across his chest, and has an apartment filled with fish tanks, dumbbells, a drum set and suitcases full of drugs and cash. 
Dominic Rains, following the rule that every drug dealer must own a track suit
He’s a real piece of shit who we see smacking women around and making nasty threats to Aresh and his dad.  The pimp takes Aresh’s beloved car when his father can’t pay his debt. 
Also wandering around in the gloom of Bad City is a young woman in a hijab, dressed all in black.  The pimp picks her up, and…. Let’s just say the scene is quite satisfying. 
I don’t want to give it all away, because you should really watch this, but I will say that the paths of Aresh and the young women cross, and it doesn’t unfold exactly how you’d expect.  There are elements of horror, along with a sweetly romantic vibe, and a kick-ass soundtrack of Persian pop music.  It made me think just briefly of Let The Right One In, with older protagonists. 
So, let’s review…. Vampires, cool artsy cinematography, good music, female writer/director, and you get to impress your friends by telling them you watched a foreign film!  It’s not super gory so if that’s a must for you, then grow up, take a night off from straight up gore for gore’s sake, and watch it anyway.  Did I mention it’s on Netflix? No excuses.

~Creepy Carrie

Saturday, October 10, 2015

"Dark Was The Night" review (First Horror Movie Made that was written by Yoda)

Hello again Mortals. And hi Mom, thanks for reading! This week I have subjected myself to the streaming movie “Dark Was the Night” (aka “PretentiousWas the Title”). This is pretty much a direct to video creature feature. Which, of course, makes me think of my lovely mother once more.

This movie was directed by Jack Heller, who appears to have an awesome life. He is producing the soon to be released “Bone Tomahawk” horror-western staring Kurt Russel, he has directed some Miley Cyrus videos, and he does not appear to like being tied to a chair while I throw my toenail clippings at him- sour puss!
 Call me "Keamy". 

This was his second feature film and it was a good one. He clearly has a presence in the business, as he is able to capture some fairly well-known actors for a low budget film. The lead is played by Martin Keamy Kevin Durand. Durand is somehow the protagonist, which makes little sense, since one look into his cold dark eyes tells you that you are looking at a killer who feels nothing. 

In related news, Durand played a mercenary on Lost a little too well and whenever I see him in anything else, I can only see that psychopath Keamy. And I love it. 

However, since this roles does call upon him to kill SOMETHING, I can buy him as the lead. There is a subplot about his wife and him being separated and one of their sons having died. Probably because Keamy killed him. That’s what Keamy does, he kills your children. It’s a standard horror sub-plot that exists only to make you feel a little more dread. It would be nice if one of these films had a subplot about a character auditioning for a local production of Grease or something.

The other major role is played by Lukas Haas, the kid from Witness.

Friday, October 9, 2015

Who's a good Zuul?!!! You are! You are!

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

There's....something on the wing!

Is there anything more terrifying than hurtling through the air at unnaturally high speeds, while encased in a claustrophobia-inducing, metal sky-coffin that's full of strangers and their disgusting germs? If your palms started sweating just reading that, well then, read on, my brothers and sisters in aerophobia! Here are the top 5 movies you should NOT watch right before you fly to that family family reunion in the tiniest commercial jet you've ever seen...

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

The Evolution of Jason Voorhees (take that, Creationists!)

Darwin would be proud. And if he were alive, he would be dead. Likely killed while having sex. By Jason Voorhees. Which may be a metaphor for evolution and oh my god, time is a wheel. Check it out!
 The Evolution of Jason Voorhees
Image Created by

Monday, October 5, 2015

"Come Back To Me" Review by Damien

"Come Back To Me"- That's not what she said

     Hello faithful subjects. If you are reading this you are not dead and are still temporarily useful to your dark master. Don’t forget to like me onFacebook, or, alternatively, don’t forget to scratch my name into your forehead in order to earn yourself a better place in hell. This week I dove deep into the abyss of streaming horror on Netflix and Amazon and came out with an apple shaped baby's head called “Come Back To Me”. And in case that sentence contained too much information, I would like to emphasize that I am bobbing for baby’s heads, not apples. Because I’m the frigg’n devil’s son. Very evil, very dark. If this offends you, you’re racist.

            Come Back To Me is a 2014 movie adapted and directed by Paul Leyden, who we’ve never heard of either, but as you can see, he is very pretty. For now. 

Paul Leyden's Pretty Face is going to hell

It was based on a book by…wait for it…wait for it…Wrath James White. Yes, his name is Wrath. And he is black, and a professional kickboxer.  Also, his name is Wrath. He is better than you in every way. And he is a pretty fantastic writer. 

Wrath James White. He ain't afraid of no ghost. 

              The movie opens with a profoundly disturbing scene that is essentially the antithesis of every Disney film; it opens with a mother being saved from certain death. After that, the movie takes the look and tone of your basic cinemax softcore movie. Keep your pants on though, there is none of that nonsense (although one of the movie's production companies  IS a porno studio). The director is a veteran of soap opera acting, and shoots many scenes in the same style. It is not too off-putting and works with the subject matter. The sinister content of the film creates a great contrast to the filmography. 
     The film centers on a woman who becomes pregnant despite her boyfriend being sterile. You are left to wonder if he is “gaslighting” her, if she carrying a demon seed, or if this is a retelling of the accursed Christmas Tale.  Slowly but surely she begins to experience lost time, disruptive sleep, and night terrors. The twist…the movie is an infomercial for a CPAP machine.
   Kidding…there is a neighbor, a neighbor who gives a dark, stalker vibe. I instantly related to him. As her disturbances increase, so does his presence. The story and disruptions weave, brilliantly, to a conclusion that took me by surprise and left me feeling elated that something had happened that was darker than what I had anticipated. The ending was not a cheap twist, but a brilliant and logical culmination of the story.  This movie stuck with me, and when you’re an eternal embodiment of evil, that’s saying something.

This is one of the better streaming surprises (a sentence seldom said by scatologists) and I am compelled (not by the power of Christ) to give it four out of five stars.