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Saturday, October 24, 2015

We got "Cooties"! A movie review by Damien.

Hello again my obedient slaves, you are here again as commanded. In my never ending mission to give you more than you deserve I watched Cooties for you. Only these cooties don't make you itch, they make you kill. And they are spread from eating chicken nuggets, the official snack of the midwest  Hell. In case you're worried about catching them from me, I even got you some of that special shampoo...

Gets rid of cooties. And everything else. 

Sorry, I was legally obligated to make at least one "Cootie" related joke. What can I say, I'm a sap for classic comedy. Maybe later we can riff on each other and do some "Your mother sucks cocks in hell" jokes together. Classic!  

This is the latest and only feature film from the directing duo Jonathan Millot and Cary Murnion. Rumors persist that they may or may not be dynamic, only time will tell. They own and operate an extremely innovative media company called "Honest" that "creates unconventional content in all forms". While I deplore the name, they have a very impressive catalog of media that they have created for a wide variety of media campaigns. Yadda yadda, I'll see them in hell with the rest of you. They just filmed it, they didn't write it. And since you always need more writers than directors and more gospels than gods, there were three writers for this movie. Called Cooties. About kids that ate bad chicken nuggets. Three. 

Not Murnion and Millot. But remember the early 2000s?!!

 The first of this unholy trinity is Leigh Whannel. Whannel is the brains behind Saw and Insidious. He is also the spleen behind Dead Silence and one of three suspects of the source of a foul smell in my trunk. He likes to take major rolls in his films, including this one.  He sometimes dies, which is a shame since he is one of the better horror producers/writers on the planet. The second writer is  Ian Brennan, who gave us Glee. He also has a role in this film. Don't worry, he dies early. And this one-Josh C. Waller. He produced "A Woman Walks Home Alone At Night" and directed one of the many short films (The Collector) in the compilation film "Fun Size Horror", which is available on Hulu. He also appeared in Nightmare Factory, which is a documentary. In some circles "Nightmare Factory" is an affectionate name given to my colon. So, two directors, three writers...onto the cast...which is just a fuckload of  talented people. 

Elijah Wood- He and Waller produced this movie through "SpectreVision" . He plays a substitute teacher. 

Rainn Wilson- all around great guy and actor, hilarious, carried the movie, go watch "Super".  He plays a gym teacher- do you really need to know any more? Sure you do so there's this:

Allison Pill- You might remember her from "The Last Don part 2". Also "Scott Pilgrim", which I hated, and co-produced. Because I'm from hell....but even I have to draw the line somewhere. Getting hipsters to love something terrible is no longer amusing to me..and I don't want any more of them in hell. They keep gentrifying the River Styx area. 

And the rest, all comedic actors you might recognize from films and tv shows that don't suck. But they are all ultimately fodder for the conventions of this movie. The plot revolves around Wood, as an aspiring writer, Pill, as his immediate new love interest for some reason, and Wilson, who is Pill's long term boyfriend. And an entire population of prepubescent children bent on eating their flesh.

No, this is the OTHER Elijah Wood Movie where a school gets taken over
 and the non infected have to kill everyone.

So, onto the actual movie. The movie is a heavy hitting satire of the American Education System, annoying parents and their annoying children, and Food Inc. type food. It overtly mocked schooling and educators. It was clearly written and directed by people who have deep underlying neurosis and anxiety about school, and thus, it was fantastic. It was funny, and at the same time, immensely satisfying. An entire elementary school population morphs into flesh eating zombies after eating contaminated chicken nuggets. The virus only effects people who have not been through puberty- which makes the movie a perfect "us against them", children vs. teachers film. You get to watch kids die and you get to watch teachers and parents die. It was like a symphony of every fantasy I had when I was a young larva child. The plot device of only letting pre-puberty people be effected by the disease/plague/blessing-in-disguise was a fresh touch.

 Also, SPOILER, there is no scene where they pump the kids full of steroids and antibiotics to jump start puberty. There should of been, except this is not a movie about happy endings (how could it be, they haven't hit puberty), it's a movie about kids killing adults killing kids. Also it's funny. And not just because they kill kids, it has other jokes too!

The movie is worth renting. It won't scare you but it is entertaining. Sort of like an extended video of "Another brick in the wall" with a touch of zombie. 

Three and and a half child skulls out of five. 


Cooties is available wherever fine movies are streamed. But mostly on Amazon. 

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