Lady Gaga is the Patron Saint of Major Horror

The only thing we don't like about these scenes with Lady Gaga is that they end. 

Music by "She Wants Revenge".

All clips are taken from the first episode of American Horror Story: Hotel. Lots of spoilers, nudity, and death. And laughter...for some of us. 

Even after watching that clip I think I would still go home with her. Mom would love her!

A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night.... and she doesn't have to use her mace!

I love the vampire genre.  It’s sexy and terrifying… a thoroughly appealing combination.  I’m also a sucker for aesthetics…. I love a movie that LOOKS really good.  Add an interesting female character whose existence goes beyond victim, and I’m totally in.

A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night combines all three aspects (and has a cool title to boot) and is streaming on Netflix RIGHT NOW.  Or you get it on blu-ray here .

This movie was written and directed by an Iranian woman, AnaLily Amirpour, which makes it even cooler, because if you are a horror fan, you know how rare female writers and directors are.  It is shot in gorgeous black and white, and looks like a Fellini film, it is bleak and beautiful.  It’s Iranian, so yes, there are subtitles, but put on your big kid pants and deal with it.  I know you can read.  

The story takes place in the mythical Persian town of Bad City (interesting side note, it was actually filmed in California, as I imagine it might have been difficult for an Iranian woman to film a vampire movie in Iran).  Aresh is a young man, working a shit job, and taking care of his junkie father.  His mother is dead.   His father owes money to a local dealer/pimp, who breaks absolutely no stereotypes: he sports grade-A douchebag facial hair, wears a track suit, has a tattoo that says “Sex” across his chest, and has an apartment filled with fish tanks, dumbbells, a drum set and suitcases full of drugs and cash. 

Dominic Rains, following the rule that every drug dealer must own a track suit

He’s a real piece of shit who we see smacking women around and making nasty threats to Aresh and his dad.  The pimp takes Aresh’s beloved car when his father can’t pay his debt. 

Also wandering around in the gloom of Bad City is a young woman in a hijab, dressed all in black.  The pimp picks her up, and…. Let’s just say the scene is quite satisfying. 

I don’t want to give it all away, because you should really watch this, but I will say that the paths of Aresh and the young women cross, and it doesn’t unfold exactly how you’d expect.  There are elements of horror, along with a sweetly romantic vibe, and a kick-ass soundtrack of Persian pop music.  It made me think just briefly of Let The Right One In, with older protagonists. 

So, let’s review…. Vampires, cool artsy cinematography, good music, female writer/director, and you get to impress your friends by telling them you watched a foreign film!  It’s not super gory so if that’s a must for you, then grow up, take a night off from straight up gore for gore’s sake, and watch it anyway.  Did I mention it’s on Netflix? No excuses.

~Creepy Carrie

"Dark Was The Night" review (First Horror Movie Made that was written by Yoda)

Hello again Mortals. And hi Mom, thanks for reading! This week I have subjected myself to the streaming movie “Dark Was the Night” (aka “PretentiousWas the Title”). This is pretty much a direct to video creature feature. Which, of course, makes me think of my lovely mother once more.

This movie was directed by Jack Heller, who appears to have an awesome life. He is producing the soon to be released “Bone Tomahawk” horror-western staring Kurt Russel, he has directed some Miley Cyrus videos, and he does not appear to like being tied to a chair while I throw my toenail clippings at him- sour puss!

 Call me "Keamy". 

This was his second feature film and it was a good one. He clearly has a presence in the business, as he is able to capture some fairly well-known actors for a low budget film. The lead is played by Martin Keamy Kevin Durand. Durand is somehow the protagonist, which makes little sense, since one look into his cold dark eyes tells you that you are looking at a killer who feels nothing. 

In related news, Durand played a mercenary on Lost a little too well and whenever I see him in anything else, I can only see that psychopath Keamy. And I love it. 

However, since this roles does call upon him to kill SOMETHING, I can buy him as the lead. There is a subplot about his wife and him being separated and one of their sons having died. Probably because Keamy killed him. That’s what Keamy does, he kills your children. It’s a standard horror sub-plot that exists only to make you feel a little more dread. It would be nice if one of these films had a subplot about a character auditioning for a local production of Grease or something.

The other major role is played by Lukas Haas, the kid from Witness.

Who's a good Zuul?!!! You are! You are!

There's....something on the wing!

Is there anything more terrifying than hurtling through the air at unnaturally high speeds, while encased in a claustrophobia-inducing, metal sky-coffin that's full of strangers and their disgusting germs? If your palms started sweating just reading that, well then, read on, my brothers and sisters in aerophobia! Here are the top 5 movies you should NOT watch right before you fly to that family family reunion in the tiniest commercial jet you've ever seen...

The Evolution of Jason Voorhees (take that, Creationists!)

Darwin would be proud. And if he were alive, he would be dead. Likely killed while having sex. By Jason Voorhees. Which may be a metaphor for evolution and oh my god, time is a wheel. Check it out!

Image Created by HalloweenCostumes.com

"Come Back To Me" Review by Damien

         

"Come Back To Me"- That's not what she said

     Hello faithful subjects. If you are reading this you are not dead and are still temporarily useful to your dark master. Don’t forget to like me onFacebook, or, alternatively, don’t forget to scratch my name into your forehead in order to earn yourself a better place in hell. This week I dove deep into the abyss of streaming horror on Netflix and Amazon and came out with an apple shaped baby's head called “Come Back To Me”. And in case that sentence contained too much information, I would like to emphasize that I am bobbing for baby’s heads, not apples. Because I’m the frigg’n devil’s son. Very evil, very dark. If this offends you, you’re racist.

            Come Back To Me is a 2014 movie adapted and directed by Paul Leyden, who we’ve never heard of either, but as you can see, he is very pretty. For now. 

Paul Leyden's Pretty Face is going to hell

It was based on a book by…wait for it…wait for it…Wrath James White. Yes, his name is Wrath. And he is black, and a professional kickboxer.  Also, his name is Wrath. He is better than you in every way. And he is a pretty fantastic writer. 

Wrath James White. He ain't afraid of no ghost. 

              The movie opens with a profoundly disturbing scene that is essentially the antithesis of every Disney film; it opens with a mother being saved from certain death. After that, the movie takes the look and tone of your basic cinemax softcore movie. Keep your pants on though, there is none of that nonsense (although one of the movie's production companies  IS a porno studio). The director is a veteran of soap opera acting, and shoots many scenes in the same style. It is not too off-putting and works with the subject matter. The sinister content of the film creates a great contrast to the filmography. 

           

     The film centers on a woman who becomes pregnant despite her boyfriend being sterile. You are left to wonder if he is “gaslighting” her, if she carrying a demon seed, or if this is a retelling of the accursed Christmas Tale.  Slowly but surely she begins to experience lost time, disruptive sleep, and night terrors. The twist…the movie is an infomercial for a CPAP machine.

              

   Kidding…there is a neighbor, a neighbor who gives a dark, stalker vibe. I instantly related to him. As her disturbances increase, so does his presence. The story and disruptions weave, brilliantly, to a conclusion that took me by surprise and left me feeling elated that something had happened that was darker than what I had anticipated. The ending was not a cheap twist, but a brilliant and logical culmination of the story.  This movie stuck with me, and when you’re an eternal embodiment of evil, that’s saying something.

This is one of the better streaming surprises (a sentence seldom said by scatologists) and I am compelled (not by the power of Christ) to give it four out of five stars.