Three Horror Hacks (and we're not talking about Eli Roth)

Horror Hacks

If you are like me, you’re an immortal princely demon seed that only associates with humans so you can get a better idea of how to utilize and harvest them. And you hate those “life hack” lists. No hacking of any kind and they all seem to be compilations of ways to run power cords through card board tubes. Assuming power cord placement does not occupy more than one minute of your time per year, I thought I would give you some useful tips. In the event, the extremely likely event, that you find yourself in a life or death situation, I would prefer that you die. So I can’t make this list too helpful. However, I would like to point out three little “hacks” that would have made all the difference in these three horror movies:

3. Alien:

Yes, this is a horror movie. Please consult the tagline of the poster for the original movie.

Its a scary poster. Ask anyone. Eggs are terrifying. 

Alien is the franchise launching film that gave everyone an irrational fear of man-eating aliens with acid for blood.  After this film was released interstellar space travel from Earth was reduced by over fifty percent! This misguided fear has lead to a lot of negative stereotypes about Aliens and their  unwilling hosts owners. For those of you that don’t recall, Alien tells the heartwarming story of a misunderstood Xenomorph that meticulously stalks and kills all but one member of a spaceship crew. It was considered one of the most upbeat films of the 1970s.

However, before the screaming, killing, chest bursting, more screaming, and butt-crack shot, there was this:

John Hurt is exploring deep space and the little facehugger leaps onto his helmet, breaking or melting the glass, and latched onto his face to plant the seed of the "Alien". Nature is beautiful. However, this whole thing could have been prevented if they had simply.....

Made the helmets out of the same glass/transparent material that was used to contain the facehuggers! 

In "Aliens" these facehuggers are clearly contained, and then released on purpose, in transparent cases. There is clearly a material that they cannot break or melt. It would seem wise to make your space helmet visors out of material that is resistant to corrosion, projectiles, etc, especially when you are in the business of exploring alien worlds. Just makes sense....but who am I to get in between the senseless slaughter of humans and a corporation's bottom-line? 

2. Jurassic Park. 

"Creep"-..A movie Review by Damien

Hello again! If you’re reading this I guess you didn’t eat any of that food I sent over. Well played mortal, well played. This week I once again bring forth a review of that which I have braved, a movie found in the streaming netherworld. And it is the aptly titled and poorly marketed “Creep”. If you were looking for insight into the TLC song "Creep" please stick around. You deserve disappointment. 

I'm Patrick and I love TED talks. Probably

Creep is the first feature length film from indie film maker Patrick Brice and it is a “found footage” film. If my previous sentence seems familiar that is because it is often used, successfully, as an affirmative defense in murder trials. But…while we support the murder of anyone who uses the word “indie” Mr. Brice is doing some things right. Actually, this film is remarkable and leaves a lasting impression. 

For a “found footage” movie this is somewhat plausible, since it revolves around one character hiring another character to film him for a day. So it’s a believable premise. It is also an incredibly dull one.  Where the movie draws it strength is from its undercurrent of dark humor and off-putting situations. Or perhaps it draws its strength from our yellow sun. Hard to tell. 

"Creep" features a character that I  know all too well. The off-putting male with a desperate need for attention who seems to be a completely full of shit but has a little bit of money and is in love with himself. But I know a lot of lawyers (cause I'm the devil) so maybe I'm over exposed to these types. This character is played rather brilliantly by comedic actor Mark Duplass, which is the name the operator will think she hears when Michael Douglass call 911 after having a stroke. 

Duplass is not the person you would imagine taking on this role, especially since the film uses this image to advertise the movie:

We're an indie movie with a well known actor. Who we're going to hide in all are marketing.
Wanna go to Burning Man?

Thirsty Thursday!

Let's all raise a glass to the Vampire genre! Here are our top 5 favorites... And no, no Interview with a Vampire.  Tom Cruise gives me the willies, and not in a good way.  And no Bram Stoker either.  Love it, but points off for being long as fuck.  It's called editing.  

5. Fright Night

The original wins here, but the remake was shockingly decent.  But let's focus on the '85 incarnation, shall we?  Basic set up: A teenage boy notices his new neighbor sprouting fangs and biting his date.  He tries to convince his pal and a washed up tv host (of "Fright Night", natch) to help him.  Needless to say, it's hard to convince your friends, let alone strangers, that there is an alarmingly good-looking vampire living next door to you and to help you kill him with a stake.  I love this movie.  Chris Sarandon is awesome as the bloodsucking lead, as is Roddy McDowell as the old TV host, but in my book, Stephen Geoffreys wins this whole fucking movie.  What a weirdo he is, and I mean that in the best possible way.  His creaky, manic voice and odd laugh, and just generally off-putting vibe make him the perfect '80s horror dweeb. If you don't agree, watch 976-EVIL and Fright Night in a double feature.  What makes him extra awesome and bizarre, is that he went on to have a successful career in porn! 

4. The Hunger

Have a craving for something a little more....adult?  The Hunger is about vampires, but it's kind of about the fear of aging, or loss of good looks or something like that.  All I have to say is this: Catherine Deneuve and Susan Sarandon get it on. Also David Bowie.  To paraphrase Gaga: Jawlines for days.  Hot stuff. If you are into pasty blondes.  Aren't we all? 

3. Let the Right One In

Oh, this movie. This.  This fucking movie.  I. Love. This. Movie.  It does not move quickly.  But watch it till the last frame.  You won't be sorry.  

Yeah it's Swedish, so yes, there are subtitles, but don't be a philistine. And the American remake "Let Me In" was not as good. And I'm not just being a remake snob.  

The basic story is: Oskar is a weird boy with an unfortunate haircut who is lonely, his parents are separated, and he gets teased at school.  His new neighbor (notice a theme here?) is a weird girl named Eli, who lives with her dad, and doesn't seem to go to school or really ever leave her apartment during the day.  They become best friends. It gets weird.  Then it gets amazing. Close your eyes right now and picture the bully from your childhood. Got it?  Ok, watch this movie.  That is all. 

2. The Lost Boys

This may be in my top 5 favorite movies of all time.  Keifer Sutherland, both the Coreys, an absolutely amazing soundtrack, the dude who played Bill from Bill and Ted, and Jason Patric in his fucking prime.  My god, I want to go watch it right now.  

Two brothers and their mom move in with their taxidermist grandpa in a small, weird town where people seem to go missing frequently. The younger brother (Corey Haim, may he rest in peace), makes friends, sort of, with the Frog Brothers (one of whom is Corey Feldman, sadly still with us on this mortal plane), who warn him that the town is full of vampires.  The older brother, played by a smoking' hot Jason Patric (still alive? I have no idea), makes friends with a different crew.... who only go out at night.... and live in a cave.... and are led by a very pale and ominous Keifer Sutherland.  You can see where this is all going.  Anyway, yadda yadda, Dianne Wiest, Edward Hermann, the '80s were amazing, amen. Watch. 

1.  Near Dark

Yes.  Near Dark. Is my number one pick... my all time favorite in the vampire genre.  Directed by Catherine Bigelow, who is awesome, this is an amazing movie.  Adrian Pasdar stars as a young guy who falls for a thin, pale blond.  She seems to be traveling with a pack of hooligans, possibly against her will. Yep, just traveling around in a big RV with, oh, you know.... Lance Hendrickson, and Jenette Goldstein.  What? Yes.  If you are a fan of the Alien movies you'll understand.  Oh, and also Bill Paxton, in a tour de force.  I don't ever want to see Bill Paxton act in anything again, unless he's maniacally screaming and covered in blood. Truth.  Oh and also, the creepiest child actor ever to walk the Earth, Joshua Miller.  You might remember him as the creepy little brother in River's Edge.  Or the creepy little brother in Teen Witch.  Fun fact: He's Jason Patric's real life (creepy?) little brother.  Adrian Pasdar foolishly gets involved with the thin, pale blond.  Men.... when will they learn? Brunettes, boys....brunettes. 

That's all, my bloody valentines!! Did I miss your favorite?  What's in YOUR top 5? 

Hugs and kisses....

~Creepy Carrie

Happy Tuesday the 13th!

What's the difference between a hockey mom and an unstoppable killing machine? One sells you fund raising coupon books. Which begs the question...which one is worse?

Lady Gaga is the Patron Saint of Major Horror

The only thing we don't like about these scenes with Lady Gaga is that they end. 

Music by "She Wants Revenge".

All clips are taken from the first episode of American Horror Story: Hotel. Lots of spoilers, nudity, and death. And laughter...for some of us. 

Even after watching that clip I think I would still go home with her. Mom would love her!

A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night.... and she doesn't have to use her mace!

I love the vampire genre.  It’s sexy and terrifying… a thoroughly appealing combination.  I’m also a sucker for aesthetics…. I love a movie that LOOKS really good.  Add an interesting female character whose existence goes beyond victim, and I’m totally in.

A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night combines all three aspects (and has a cool title to boot) and is streaming on Netflix RIGHT NOW.  Or you get it on blu-ray here .

This movie was written and directed by an Iranian woman, AnaLily Amirpour, which makes it even cooler, because if you are a horror fan, you know how rare female writers and directors are.  It is shot in gorgeous black and white, and looks like a Fellini film, it is bleak and beautiful.  It’s Iranian, so yes, there are subtitles, but put on your big kid pants and deal with it.  I know you can read.  

The story takes place in the mythical Persian town of Bad City (interesting side note, it was actually filmed in California, as I imagine it might have been difficult for an Iranian woman to film a vampire movie in Iran).  Aresh is a young man, working a shit job, and taking care of his junkie father.  His mother is dead.   His father owes money to a local dealer/pimp, who breaks absolutely no stereotypes: he sports grade-A douchebag facial hair, wears a track suit, has a tattoo that says “Sex” across his chest, and has an apartment filled with fish tanks, dumbbells, a drum set and suitcases full of drugs and cash. 

Dominic Rains, following the rule that every drug dealer must own a track suit

He’s a real piece of shit who we see smacking women around and making nasty threats to Aresh and his dad.  The pimp takes Aresh’s beloved car when his father can’t pay his debt. 

Also wandering around in the gloom of Bad City is a young woman in a hijab, dressed all in black.  The pimp picks her up, and…. Let’s just say the scene is quite satisfying. 

I don’t want to give it all away, because you should really watch this, but I will say that the paths of Aresh and the young women cross, and it doesn’t unfold exactly how you’d expect.  There are elements of horror, along with a sweetly romantic vibe, and a kick-ass soundtrack of Persian pop music.  It made me think just briefly of Let The Right One In, with older protagonists. 

So, let’s review…. Vampires, cool artsy cinematography, good music, female writer/director, and you get to impress your friends by telling them you watched a foreign film!  It’s not super gory so if that’s a must for you, then grow up, take a night off from straight up gore for gore’s sake, and watch it anyway.  Did I mention it’s on Netflix? No excuses.

~Creepy Carrie

"Dark Was The Night" review (First Horror Movie Made that was written by Yoda)

Hello again Mortals. And hi Mom, thanks for reading! This week I have subjected myself to the streaming movie “Dark Was the Night” (aka “PretentiousWas the Title”). This is pretty much a direct to video creature feature. Which, of course, makes me think of my lovely mother once more.

This movie was directed by Jack Heller, who appears to have an awesome life. He is producing the soon to be released “Bone Tomahawk” horror-western staring Kurt Russel, he has directed some Miley Cyrus videos, and he does not appear to like being tied to a chair while I throw my toenail clippings at him- sour puss!

 Call me "Keamy". 

This was his second feature film and it was a good one. He clearly has a presence in the business, as he is able to capture some fairly well-known actors for a low budget film. The lead is played by Martin Keamy Kevin Durand. Durand is somehow the protagonist, which makes little sense, since one look into his cold dark eyes tells you that you are looking at a killer who feels nothing. 

In related news, Durand played a mercenary on Lost a little too well and whenever I see him in anything else, I can only see that psychopath Keamy. And I love it. 

However, since this roles does call upon him to kill SOMETHING, I can buy him as the lead. There is a subplot about his wife and him being separated and one of their sons having died. Probably because Keamy killed him. That’s what Keamy does, he kills your children. It’s a standard horror sub-plot that exists only to make you feel a little more dread. It would be nice if one of these films had a subplot about a character auditioning for a local production of Grease or something.

The other major role is played by Lukas Haas, the kid from Witness.